Overwhelmed

I'm up in the woods
I'm down on my mind
I'm building a still
To slow down the time

Still torn, with pluses and minuses mounting (on both sides)
Caught in my head I have no where to go but all around

1858 Fort Laramie Treaty, lateral meristems, half and whole notes, sociological perspective, what it means to be Muslim, media broadcasting (radio, tv, internet, books, magazines), pinnate and palmate leaf veination, extraconstitutional Indian nations, time signatures, glucose and starch molecules entering and exiting the Calvin Cycle, the rights of Latinos in an already increased Anglo-European influenced world, perennial and deciduous trees, conglomeration aggressiveness towards small broadcasting companies, coffee is 1.75, pastries are 2.95, plus tax if you stay here, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

So. That's my life as of late, and more ridiculous facts and memorization wastes that I will probably never have to know ever again will likely only increase.
I have a long way to go, apparently.
I need some self confidence. A backbone, a spine. I apologize for someone stepping on my shoes, I worry whether my neighbors will hear me brushing my teeth and the swishing noise will somehow disturb them, so I do so quietly with the door closed.
Mom said once I was never really a happy person. I don't think that's necessarily true. I would say I'm over-conscious and ever-anxious. But not unhappy. Just nervously watchful.

I need something. I can't tell what it is yet, but whenever I'm walking alone, listening to my music or my head I can feel a definite chunk missing. It almost feels physical, like a tendon in my leg or a piece of muscle next to my heart. I can't describe it well at all, but I know what it feels like and the feeling is becoming familiar. Which worries me. I don't want to be unaware of the feeling that's keeping me in a constant non-physical limp. It's not exactly being complacent, but more forgetfully resigned. I'll figure it out when I should.

I'm building a still
To slow down the time

This kid is FUNNY. It reminds me of when I got my wisdom teeth out, except I wasn't seven and I (thankfully) knew it wouldn't last forever.



18 units in school is proving challenging, but doable. It seems to give me some semblance of being a regular human being: working with deadlines, time organization, the awesome feeling of accomplishing everything I can possibly, physically, do in one day and falling asleep to my horrible neighbors (oh yeah, I got a NEW one, in addition to the derelict who lives downstairs from me) doing whatever it is they do to waste their lives away.

So anyway, I keep on keepin' on. And nothing is really that new.