Saturday, November 28, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
categorical mess
i don't know what i want. i feel like i'm letting everyone around me down because i always change my mind or am apathetic to the point of exhaustion on decisions others deem important. i don't understand why i can't seem to give meaning to anything like most people.
when am i going to grow up and focus on what's actually good for me?
is it because i always ultimately question that ideal--my own "well-being"?
probably.
i need to be alone and stare at the beach or zone out on a park bench all day. something. anything besides "participating" in the daily grind that everyone else seems to know and handle so well. where was i when they handed out the necessary skills to beat along in this life to some sort of recognized time signature? i'm flitting from mind-set to mind-set, neither knowing nor caring how to or why to make myself a more "productive" person.
what am i doing? am i good at it? how can i be good at something i'm blindly and indifferently, even unwillingly, pursuing? i can't just be lucky that i've gotten this far, to this point. i don't believe in luck. maybe i've been positively fated or some other new-age, hippie colloquial used in the parlance of the liberally educated.
some have it, some don't.
can't focus, can't get anything done to the levels of college approved standards. even though i think i'm so much more socially-analytically savvy and intelligent enough to surpass those i judge on a daily basis, i seem to fail and end up behind them. i judge because i'm jealous, probably, or something else as equally cliché and overworked. all these gatherers gettin' it all together for the world to affirm and support. and where am i? sitting inside, too disappointed at the lack of reward or use in even getting up.
who knows when i'll graduate. who knows if i'll even make it that far. who knows if i'll ever use my degree. who knows if i'll be happy. who knows.
what's the use of all this? quizzes, apartment hunting, lamp buying, muni riding, laundry doing--feels like staving something off. i understand we can't just give up because we'll all be dead one day anyway, there's some point to life, blah blah blah. but what are we working towards? why keep bothering cycling through all these trivialities every DAY?
man what a downer. don't let me on your team. i won't appreciate anything in front of me, just selfishly question it to death.
nothing seems really, permanently worth it. everything is fleeting. am i just the only one not okay with this arrangement?
no, you're the only one stupid enough to be so critical of it just because you can't deal. it's always been like that; i've always been like that.
when am i going to grow up and focus on what's actually good for me?
is it because i always ultimately question that ideal--my own "well-being"?
probably.
i need to be alone and stare at the beach or zone out on a park bench all day. something. anything besides "participating" in the daily grind that everyone else seems to know and handle so well. where was i when they handed out the necessary skills to beat along in this life to some sort of recognized time signature? i'm flitting from mind-set to mind-set, neither knowing nor caring how to or why to make myself a more "productive" person.
what am i doing? am i good at it? how can i be good at something i'm blindly and indifferently, even unwillingly, pursuing? i can't just be lucky that i've gotten this far, to this point. i don't believe in luck. maybe i've been positively fated or some other new-age, hippie colloquial used in the parlance of the liberally educated.
some have it, some don't.
can't focus, can't get anything done to the levels of college approved standards. even though i think i'm so much more socially-analytically savvy and intelligent enough to surpass those i judge on a daily basis, i seem to fail and end up behind them. i judge because i'm jealous, probably, or something else as equally cliché and overworked. all these gatherers gettin' it all together for the world to affirm and support. and where am i? sitting inside, too disappointed at the lack of reward or use in even getting up.
who knows when i'll graduate. who knows if i'll even make it that far. who knows if i'll ever use my degree. who knows if i'll be happy. who knows.
what's the use of all this? quizzes, apartment hunting, lamp buying, muni riding, laundry doing--feels like staving something off. i understand we can't just give up because we'll all be dead one day anyway, there's some point to life, blah blah blah. but what are we working towards? why keep bothering cycling through all these trivialities every DAY?
man what a downer. don't let me on your team. i won't appreciate anything in front of me, just selfishly question it to death.
nothing seems really, permanently worth it. everything is fleeting. am i just the only one not okay with this arrangement?
no, you're the only one stupid enough to be so critical of it just because you can't deal. it's always been like that; i've always been like that.
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