i don't know what i want. i feel like i'm letting everyone around me down because i always change my mind or am apathetic to the point of exhaustion on decisions others deem important. i don't understand why i can't seem to give meaning to anything like most people.
when am i going to grow up and focus on what's actually good for me?
is it because i always ultimately question that ideal--my own "well-being"?
probably.
i need to be alone and stare at the beach or zone out on a park bench all day. something. anything besides "participating" in the daily grind that everyone else seems to know and handle so well. where was i when they handed out the necessary skills to beat along in this life to some sort of recognized time signature? i'm flitting from mind-set to mind-set, neither knowing nor caring how to or why to make myself a more "productive" person.
what am i doing? am i good at it? how can i be good at something i'm blindly and indifferently, even unwillingly, pursuing? i can't just be lucky that i've gotten this far, to this point. i don't believe in luck. maybe i've been positively fated or some other new-age, hippie colloquial used in the parlance of the liberally educated.
some have it, some don't.
can't focus, can't get anything done to the levels of college approved standards. even though i think i'm so much more socially-analytically savvy and intelligent enough to surpass those i judge on a daily basis, i seem to fail and end up behind them. i judge because i'm jealous, probably, or something else as equally cliché and overworked. all these gatherers gettin' it all together for the world to affirm and support. and where am i? sitting inside, too disappointed at the lack of reward or use in even getting up.
who knows when i'll graduate. who knows if i'll even make it that far. who knows if i'll ever use my degree. who knows if i'll be happy. who knows.
what's the use of all this? quizzes, apartment hunting, lamp buying, muni riding, laundry doing--feels like staving something off. i understand we can't just give up because we'll all be dead one day anyway, there's some point to life, blah blah blah. but what are we working towards? why keep bothering cycling through all these trivialities every DAY?
man what a downer. don't let me on your team. i won't appreciate anything in front of me, just selfishly question it to death.
nothing seems really, permanently worth it. everything is fleeting. am i just the only one not okay with this arrangement?
no, you're the only one stupid enough to be so critical of it just because you can't deal. it's always been like that; i've always been like that.
5 comments:
Having a bad day are we? Welcome to life! Some days it does seem like we're just putting one foot in front of the other-slogging our way through everyday stuff. But having made it one day at a time is success. Open your eyes to the beauty and the little miracles around you. Make joyful things happen in your life and in the lives of others. Do something for someone else without expectations of acknowledgment or gratitude. We love you. We are very proud of who you are. Mom
Blah, I have been there so many times. I question everything, and sometimes I wonder, is this what I really wanted? What could I have done with my life if this...didn't happen to me? And then I just have to think of everything I've been blessed with, amazing family, loving husband and the darn cutest little boy in the whole world.
Just keep doing what you're doing. School will end and then move into your next chapter. Don't look back with regrets, just think of them as learning experiences. And it's ok to have a bad day. Take some time for yourself.
See you tonight.
Or think of some of the weird things mom has said to you, like "these.... " (i know you know what I'm talking about. I just don't want to post it in case someone else reads this and gets all offended.
Love you!
What weird things "these..."?
Mom
Megs,
To quote John Lennon "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" (I don't think this one was drug induced)!
We all go through LOTS of hardship on this trip, but there are some breathtakingly wonderful views and experiences also. Especially if we look for them, appreciate, and are grateful for them, fleeting as they are (some not all). Some are for us individually, some we get to experience with others. Your being our daughter is one of those wonderful vistas your mom and I get to cherish together forever.
For the last few years, rather than just listening to the songs, I pay attention and ponder the words for long periods of time. I put myself in the position of the characters and try to empathize the feelings and experiences the author is trying to convey.
Two of my favorite hymns (messages for me) are "Redeemer of Israel" and "Come Come Ye Saints" have brought me hope, strength, courage to fight on, and gratitude. I've listed the lyrics below and gave you links to the singing of each. If I could BOLD some words it would be part of 2, all of 3 & 4, on CCYS it would be 2, 3 & 4. But really to me, every phrase (message) of both songs I love. When you are down, or disheartened, or hurt, or tired, read these; they help me anyway (I sing them in my head, but more importantly, I sing the message being conveyed through the music). (I don't know how to make the links work so you just click on them, so please cut and paste).
Redeemer of Israel
Redeemer of Israel, our only Delight,
On Whom for a blessing we call,
Our Shadow by day, and our Pillar by night,
Our King, our Deliverer, our All!
We know He is coming, to gather His sheep
And lead them to Zion in love;
For why in the valley of death should they weep
Or in the lone wilderness rove?
How long we have wandered as strangers in sin,
And cried in the desert for Thee!
Our foes have rejoiced when our sorrows they’ve seen,
But Israel will shortly be free.
As children of Zion, good tidings for us.
The tokens already appear.
Fear not, and be just, for the kingdom is ours.
The hour of redemption is near.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMO9LJAIWYk
Come Come Ye Saints
Come, come, ye saints, no toil nor labor fear;
But with joy wend your way.
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
Tis better far for us to strive our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell -
All is well! All is well!
Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward if we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell-
All is well! All is well!
We'll find the place which God for us prepared,
Far away, in the West,
Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;
There the saints, will be blessed.
We'll make the air, with music ring, Shout praises to our god and king;
Above the rest these words we'll tell -
All is well! All is well!
And should we die before our journey's through,
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;
With the just we shall dwell!
But if our lives are spared again to see the Saints their rest obtain,
Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell-
All is well! All is well!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9Y8x5z2pd8&feature=related
Your mom loves you. Heather and Brandon love you. I love you. Father loves you.
Keep learning and fighting, look for good and beauty in your life. Never give up.
Love, Dad
thanks guys.
i really needed that.
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