La isla de las flores

The Isle of Flowers is in the county of Sergipe in Brazil, about thirty or so miles south of Sao Paulo. Population: 9,005 (2005) with poverty running rampant.

Reading list: Lolita, Down and Out in Paris and London, and The Sirens of Titan.

I'm glad to be back at school. And I'm actually getting internet soon so I won't have to scurry around school trying to find open or usable computer labs. The budget cuts to California's education system (not to mention the health and welfare systems as well)are definitely rearing their many ugly heads in my college experience, and it's only been two weeks! Text book prices sky rocketed-my parents had to shell out over $500 for this semester ALONE, (thank you mom and dad, I promise to use the education you are funding so graciously) and imperative classes for my major are being dropped left and right. There was a 32% increase in SFSU fees, bringing the full-time student position tuition to around $4,080. 430 classes were cut as well, leaving the 30,000 students is poor shape to continue their degrees. Many majors were also entirely cut, forcing many students to acquire their education elsewhere.
Are we pigs or are we people?

DHASKIDAHS

Blowing my brains out one neuron at a time. I can't seem to focus or care about anything past a lapse of ten minutes and I find myself getting more and more irritated and short tempered with everyone and everything. Maybe this is the end-of-summer subconscious fidgeting that can be remedied by a good long bout of agonizing academics, or maybe I really am going crazy and need to move a thousand miles away in any direction.

If I have to say 'hello' to one more person in a "phone voice" I'm going to have a mental breakdown. I'm at work, by the way.

I see the end coming, but I can't fixate on it; my future seems too muddled to have even the most remote of senses of stability and, yet, I couldn't care less. It's almost been ten minutes.
I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want.

Summer summer summer summer summer

No school this summer, thankfully. I need to recharge my batteries by sitting and doing nothing all day every day until I realize why exactly I am in school.
I went downtown today with Tessa because she wanted to go look at H&M's new line of bathing suits. We bundled up and braved the cold, ironically, to go look at swim wear for about 3 hours. It was hellish.
Tourists, cheap and skanky clothes, and no bathrooms make me want to cry. But THEN we passed by Lush, this amazing organic, all handmade and cleverly designed/advertised body shop. It's not too badly priced, and I treated myself to a "Start of Summer" hair care special they had going on.

IT'S AMAZING. Seven good sized items for $15?? Are you kidding? I hate shopping, I hate girly items, and I hate hate hate lotions and smelly things, but somehow this store has sucked me in.

The disease.
So anyway. Nothing else is really going on. I have a ton of things to do to my apartment all of which cost money I don't have and time I would rather spend on sitting in my underwear and reading. I renewed my library membership and have started in on all of George Orwell's novels, beginning with Keep the Aspidistras Flying and Down and Out in Paris and London. Sooo exciting, I know.

I wanted to get a second job at Whole Foods, but my evil ex-boyfriend and all his demons work there with him and I don't think my body is physically capable of being in his presence without exploding with anger. I'm not down for tense work environments. So my second job search continues. So far, no a whole lot is lookin' good. I don't think I have the personality of a die-hard go-getter to be a retail shark, which is basically the only kinds of jobs that seem to be hiring.

Annyyway, I need to read and take a nap. It's a hard life but I'm willing to brave that battle for the war on laziness.

Ramblings

Over one hundred thousand non-combatants and a magnificent city destroyed by bombs dropped wide of the stated objectives: the railroads were knocked out for roughly two days. The Germans counted it the greatest loss of life suffered in any single raid. The death of Dresden was a bitter tragedy, needlessly and willfully executed. The killing of children--"Jerry" children or "Jap" children, or whatever enemies the future may hold for us--can never be justified.

The facile reply to great groans such as mine is the most hateful of all cliches, "fortunes of war," and another, "They asked for it. All they understand is force." Who asked for it? The only thing who understands is force? Believe me, it is not easy to rationalize the stamping out of vineyards where the grapes of wrath are stored when gathering up babies in bushels or helping a man dig where he thinks his wife may be buried. Certainly enemy military and industrial installations should have been blown flat, and woe unto those foolish enough to seek shelter near them. But the "Get Tough America" policy, the spirit of revenge, the approbation of all destruction and killing, has earned us a name for obscene brutality, and cost the World the possibility of Germany's becoming a peaceful and intellectually fruitful nation in anything but the most remote future.

Our leaders had a carte blanche as to what they might or might not destroy. Their mission was to win the war as quickly as possible, and, while they were admirably trained to do just that, their decisions as to the fate of certain priceless World heirlooms--in one case Dresden--were not always judicious. When, late in the war, with the Wehrmacht breaking up on all fronts, our planes were sent to destroy this last major city, I doubt if the quesiton was asked, "How will this tragedy benefit us, and how will that benefit compare with the ill-effects in the long run?" Dresden, a beautiful city, built in the art spirit, symbol of an admirable heritage, so anti-Nazi that Hitler visited it but twice during his whole reign, food and hospital center so bitterly needed now--plowed under and salt strewn in the furrows.

There can be no doubt that the Allies fought on the side of the right and the Germans and Japanese on the side of wrong. World War II was fought for near-Holy motives. But I stand convinced that the brand of justice in which we dealt, wholesale bombings of civilian populations, was blasphemous.

K.V

Sometimes it comes together

Everything has been completely stringing and adding up very nicely lately.
My bad days end up being pretty bright at the end, my good days are clear and consistent. School is over this week and I couldn't BE more stoked. My apartment is amazing, my job is relatively stable (it could improve, but I refuse to let this dampen my positive mood at the moment), I am extremely blessed with the most caring, generous, kind-hearted family anyone could ask for, and Whole Foods brought back my favorite yogurt.

I couldn't ask for anything more.

Moving, packing, cleaning, reverse

It's been a while but I have a little time, so I'll update. School is almost out for the semester and in the Fall I'll be starting my major courses. If all goes well, I should be graduating the Fall of 2010. I'm on the five year college track, apparently. Well, I did drop out for a year so maybe just four.

Who cares.

I'm moving this weekend, approximately four blocks from my old apartment. If I get some pictures I will post them. I LOVE this apartment. As soon as I walked into it I knew this was where I was going to stay for a long time. So much better: no crack head neighbors, no more looking at a wall every time I go home. Other things.
I really don't have anything to say. Moving, school, papers, projects, work...that's about it.

Overwhelmed

I'm up in the woods
I'm down on my mind
I'm building a still
To slow down the time

Still torn, with pluses and minuses mounting (on both sides)
Caught in my head I have no where to go but all around

1858 Fort Laramie Treaty, lateral meristems, half and whole notes, sociological perspective, what it means to be Muslim, media broadcasting (radio, tv, internet, books, magazines), pinnate and palmate leaf veination, extraconstitutional Indian nations, time signatures, glucose and starch molecules entering and exiting the Calvin Cycle, the rights of Latinos in an already increased Anglo-European influenced world, perennial and deciduous trees, conglomeration aggressiveness towards small broadcasting companies, coffee is 1.75, pastries are 2.95, plus tax if you stay here, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

So. That's my life as of late, and more ridiculous facts and memorization wastes that I will probably never have to know ever again will likely only increase.
I have a long way to go, apparently.
I need some self confidence. A backbone, a spine. I apologize for someone stepping on my shoes, I worry whether my neighbors will hear me brushing my teeth and the swishing noise will somehow disturb them, so I do so quietly with the door closed.
Mom said once I was never really a happy person. I don't think that's necessarily true. I would say I'm over-conscious and ever-anxious. But not unhappy. Just nervously watchful.

I need something. I can't tell what it is yet, but whenever I'm walking alone, listening to my music or my head I can feel a definite chunk missing. It almost feels physical, like a tendon in my leg or a piece of muscle next to my heart. I can't describe it well at all, but I know what it feels like and the feeling is becoming familiar. Which worries me. I don't want to be unaware of the feeling that's keeping me in a constant non-physical limp. It's not exactly being complacent, but more forgetfully resigned. I'll figure it out when I should.

I'm building a still
To slow down the time