The glow

I got into a discussion today while at lunch with my friend, Kat. During a quiet break between topics Kat leaned back, crossed her arms, (while looking slightly defeated and a little naseous) and asked, "What are you doing? I mean, really, what are we doing?". My overly critical/insecure reactions kicked in so I immediately wiped my face, searching hers for a clue as to where the spilled food might be located. I pawed at my lips and she continued, unperturbed.

"I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and why I'm even bothering doing the things I'm unconsciously participating in." I sat and thought about the question for what has to be the millionth time and said what I think any young twenty-something, state college attending, "normal" woman would say: "I have no clue."
The question has been on my mind for years, really, but only until an assignment was given in one of my classes did I have to sit down and really analyze the sentiment. And I don't like it one bit. It makes me ask these unhealthy questions that eventually make me reevaluate my decisions and my following through on those decisions. Why am I living in San Francisco? Why am I going to State? Why am I majoring in Anthropology? Why do I have a terrible job? Why do I hate my neighbor so much? Why can't I say no to Jello Choco-Vanilla Swirl Delight?
I used to have this idea of what and who I would be at this point in time, at this juncture, at this age, and this exact moment. I'm really nothing except a skewed blueprint with those gross little eraser remnants clinging to the mistakes and screw ups. It used to take an actual form in my head, like a little lit up ball that held the image I thought I would be: my job, my friends, my life. Yet all the old lines that were drawn in for what I wanted to be in my future have been anything but the original design. Covered up with rationalizations and ignorance, this new, less bright picture has started to form.

I can't say my "blueprints" can't and won't change, but at one moment I realized what was up. I sat down and stopped moving and stopped thinking and didn't procrastinate and didn't budge from thinking about anything else and was honestly not that okay with who I am at the moment. To put it plainly. The glow of my once ever-so-pretty future is gone. And as evvvveryone knows you can't point one finger without having three more point back at yourself. So. There's that.

I couldn't tell all this to Kat without her backing away or feeling pretty awkward and I'm not writing it down for comments and/or concern. It's just been something that has been on my mind for quite some time now and I felt the need to type it out.

It'll change, I'm sure. Probably after breakfast or something. Tomorrow's supposed to be sunny.