Saturday, November 28, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
categorical mess
i don't know what i want. i feel like i'm letting everyone around me down because i always change my mind or am apathetic to the point of exhaustion on decisions others deem important. i don't understand why i can't seem to give meaning to anything like most people.
when am i going to grow up and focus on what's actually good for me?
is it because i always ultimately question that ideal--my own "well-being"?
probably.
i need to be alone and stare at the beach or zone out on a park bench all day. something. anything besides "participating" in the daily grind that everyone else seems to know and handle so well. where was i when they handed out the necessary skills to beat along in this life to some sort of recognized time signature? i'm flitting from mind-set to mind-set, neither knowing nor caring how to or why to make myself a more "productive" person.
what am i doing? am i good at it? how can i be good at something i'm blindly and indifferently, even unwillingly, pursuing? i can't just be lucky that i've gotten this far, to this point. i don't believe in luck. maybe i've been positively fated or some other new-age, hippie colloquial used in the parlance of the liberally educated.
some have it, some don't.
can't focus, can't get anything done to the levels of college approved standards. even though i think i'm so much more socially-analytically savvy and intelligent enough to surpass those i judge on a daily basis, i seem to fail and end up behind them. i judge because i'm jealous, probably, or something else as equally cliché and overworked. all these gatherers gettin' it all together for the world to affirm and support. and where am i? sitting inside, too disappointed at the lack of reward or use in even getting up.
who knows when i'll graduate. who knows if i'll even make it that far. who knows if i'll ever use my degree. who knows if i'll be happy. who knows.
what's the use of all this? quizzes, apartment hunting, lamp buying, muni riding, laundry doing--feels like staving something off. i understand we can't just give up because we'll all be dead one day anyway, there's some point to life, blah blah blah. but what are we working towards? why keep bothering cycling through all these trivialities every DAY?
man what a downer. don't let me on your team. i won't appreciate anything in front of me, just selfishly question it to death.
nothing seems really, permanently worth it. everything is fleeting. am i just the only one not okay with this arrangement?
no, you're the only one stupid enough to be so critical of it just because you can't deal. it's always been like that; i've always been like that.
when am i going to grow up and focus on what's actually good for me?
is it because i always ultimately question that ideal--my own "well-being"?
probably.
i need to be alone and stare at the beach or zone out on a park bench all day. something. anything besides "participating" in the daily grind that everyone else seems to know and handle so well. where was i when they handed out the necessary skills to beat along in this life to some sort of recognized time signature? i'm flitting from mind-set to mind-set, neither knowing nor caring how to or why to make myself a more "productive" person.
what am i doing? am i good at it? how can i be good at something i'm blindly and indifferently, even unwillingly, pursuing? i can't just be lucky that i've gotten this far, to this point. i don't believe in luck. maybe i've been positively fated or some other new-age, hippie colloquial used in the parlance of the liberally educated.
some have it, some don't.
can't focus, can't get anything done to the levels of college approved standards. even though i think i'm so much more socially-analytically savvy and intelligent enough to surpass those i judge on a daily basis, i seem to fail and end up behind them. i judge because i'm jealous, probably, or something else as equally cliché and overworked. all these gatherers gettin' it all together for the world to affirm and support. and where am i? sitting inside, too disappointed at the lack of reward or use in even getting up.
who knows when i'll graduate. who knows if i'll even make it that far. who knows if i'll ever use my degree. who knows if i'll be happy. who knows.
what's the use of all this? quizzes, apartment hunting, lamp buying, muni riding, laundry doing--feels like staving something off. i understand we can't just give up because we'll all be dead one day anyway, there's some point to life, blah blah blah. but what are we working towards? why keep bothering cycling through all these trivialities every DAY?
man what a downer. don't let me on your team. i won't appreciate anything in front of me, just selfishly question it to death.
nothing seems really, permanently worth it. everything is fleeting. am i just the only one not okay with this arrangement?
no, you're the only one stupid enough to be so critical of it just because you can't deal. it's always been like that; i've always been like that.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Rainy Tuesday
Doin' homework, falling asleep, watching the rain and people in the rain, doin' homework, falling asleep, watching the rain and people in the rain, doin' homework falling asleep, etc etc etc.
It's so RAINY! One of my classes was canceled today because the professor didn't feel like braving the monsoon. Whatevs.
School is okay, I've got a lot on my plate with 16 units, work, and social life. I need a new job I think though. It stresses me out way more than a menial coffee shop job should.
Not a whole lot to report.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
La isla de las flores
The Isle of Flowers is in the county of Sergipe in Brazil, about thirty or so miles south of Sao Paulo. Population: 9,005 (2005) with poverty running rampant.
Reading list: Lolita, Down and Out in Paris and London, and The Sirens of Titan.
I'm glad to be back at school. And I'm actually getting internet soon so I won't have to scurry around school trying to find open or usable computer labs. The budget cuts to California's education system (not to mention the health and welfare systems as well)are definitely rearing their many ugly heads in my college experience, and it's only been two weeks! Text book prices sky rocketed-my parents had to shell out over $500 for this semester ALONE, (thank you mom and dad, I promise to use the education you are funding so graciously) and imperative classes for my major are being dropped left and right. There was a 32% increase in SFSU fees, bringing the full-time student position tuition to around $4,080. 430 classes were cut as well, leaving the 30,000 students is poor shape to continue their degrees. Many majors were also entirely cut, forcing many students to acquire their education elsewhere.
Are we pigs or are we people?
Sunday, August 9, 2009
DHASKIDAHS
Blowing my brains out one neuron at a time. I can't seem to focus or care about anything past a lapse of ten minutes and I find myself getting more and more irritated and short tempered with everyone and everything. Maybe this is the end-of-summer subconscious fidgeting that can be remedied by a good long bout of agonizing academics, or maybe I really am going crazy and need to move a thousand miles away in any direction.
If I have to say 'hello' to one more person in a "phone voice" I'm going to have a mental breakdown. I'm at work, by the way.
I see the end coming, but I can't fixate on it; my future seems too muddled to have even the most remote of senses of stability and, yet, I couldn't care less. It's almost been ten minutes.
I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want.
If I have to say 'hello' to one more person in a "phone voice" I'm going to have a mental breakdown. I'm at work, by the way.
I see the end coming, but I can't fixate on it; my future seems too muddled to have even the most remote of senses of stability and, yet, I couldn't care less. It's almost been ten minutes.
I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Summer summer summer summer summer
No school this summer, thankfully. I need to recharge my batteries by sitting and doing nothing all day every day until I realize why exactly I am in school.
I went downtown today with Tessa because she wanted to go look at H&M's new line of bathing suits. We bundled up and braved the cold, ironically, to go look at swim wear for about 3 hours. It was hellish.
Tourists, cheap and skanky clothes, and no bathrooms make me want to cry. But THEN we passed by Lush, this amazing organic, all handmade and cleverly designed/advertised body shop. It's not too badly priced, and I treated myself to a "Start of Summer" hair care special they had going on.
IT'S AMAZING. Seven good sized items for $15?? Are you kidding? I hate shopping, I hate girly items, and I hate hate hate lotions and smelly things, but somehow this store has sucked me in.
The disease.
So anyway. Nothing else is really going on. I have a ton of things to do to my apartment all of which cost money I don't have and time I would rather spend on sitting in my underwear and reading. I renewed my library membership and have started in on all of George Orwell's novels, beginning with Keep the Aspidistras Flying and Down and Out in Paris and London. Sooo exciting, I know.
I wanted to get a second job at Whole Foods, but my evil ex-boyfriend and all his demons work there with him and I don't think my body is physically capable of being in his presence without exploding with anger. I'm not down for tense work environments. So my second job search continues. So far, no a whole lot is lookin' good. I don't think I have the personality of a die-hard go-getter to be a retail shark, which is basically the only kinds of jobs that seem to be hiring.
Annyyway, I need to read and take a nap. It's a hard life but I'm willing to brave that battle for the war on laziness.
I went downtown today with Tessa because she wanted to go look at H&M's new line of bathing suits. We bundled up and braved the cold, ironically, to go look at swim wear for about 3 hours. It was hellish.
Tourists, cheap and skanky clothes, and no bathrooms make me want to cry. But THEN we passed by Lush, this amazing organic, all handmade and cleverly designed/advertised body shop. It's not too badly priced, and I treated myself to a "Start of Summer" hair care special they had going on.
IT'S AMAZING. Seven good sized items for $15?? Are you kidding? I hate shopping, I hate girly items, and I hate hate hate lotions and smelly things, but somehow this store has sucked me in.
The disease.
So anyway. Nothing else is really going on. I have a ton of things to do to my apartment all of which cost money I don't have and time I would rather spend on sitting in my underwear and reading. I renewed my library membership and have started in on all of George Orwell's novels, beginning with Keep the Aspidistras Flying and Down and Out in Paris and London. Sooo exciting, I know.
I wanted to get a second job at Whole Foods, but my evil ex-boyfriend and all his demons work there with him and I don't think my body is physically capable of being in his presence without exploding with anger. I'm not down for tense work environments. So my second job search continues. So far, no a whole lot is lookin' good. I don't think I have the personality of a die-hard go-getter to be a retail shark, which is basically the only kinds of jobs that seem to be hiring.
Annyyway, I need to read and take a nap. It's a hard life but I'm willing to brave that battle for the war on laziness.
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