Back again

This time as an excuse to sit down instead of cleaning out my closet like a mad woman in 95 degree weather. Nothing too exciting has been going on. After graduating I got into the panicky, stressful, and overall unbearably disheartening stage of trying and failing to find a job in my field (and I cringe to use that word--I found out that BA's mean practically nothing and I am underqualified and grossly ill-prepared experience wise). After proving unsuccessful with field related jobs, I decided any "good paying" job would suffice. I finally nabbed an interview with a school in Oakland that boasted quality education with limitless possibilities for growth.
What I got was a dilapidated, hippie run, possibly fraudulent, and overwhelmingly creepy school for "gifted" children, i.e the rich kids whose rich parents decide their kid is too good for public or even private schools.
I didn't feel too chummy about the job after the woman who talked to me, the principal and founder of the school, bawled in the TWO HOUR LONG INTERVIEW about how unfortunate these kids were to be born gifted, but I decided to buck up and take it in stride. I am a working girl now, after all. I should expect the unexpected, be ready for any an all challenges, what have you. But after seeing the state of the school (crummy), being asked for my social security number, drivers license, passport number, and thumb prints up FRONT, the woman crying her eyes out, I decided this venture wasn't for me. I skipped out with a "so long, suckers" email and never looked back. I'm kidding, I didn't leave them completely in the dust. I gave them ample time to find another victim.

So the coffee shop remained my only job. My friend Tessa called me one day, though, with a plea for help where she was, at the time, working a job that normally three people work. The family needed another nanny. I didn't think it would be so bad. Three kids? Two at school? Pfft. Okay, no big deal.

Oh, could a person ever be more wrong. The kids are 6, 4, and 1 1/2.
I won't go on all day about it because a job is a job is a job but it's stressful and scary and nerve wracking and trying and a lot of other things. But it pays well and for now, that's all I kinda need.

I desperately, truly, and deeply want an office job though (this blog is SO BORING). That's right, I want a cubicle and 9-5 hours. I want to show up and do my work, eat lunch on a patio or at my desk. I want to "goof off" at work by browsing the internet. I want to get mad at someone for eating my leftovers that were clearly marked "Meghan". I want to have weekends off so I can start seeing why everyone has such a distaste for Mondays. I want to be a commuter that knits on the train or something. All the perks, quirks, and pitfalls of an office job would be a welcome change right now. Deadlines, schedules, weekly goals, holiday parties. Please?

That's about it. That stupid closet is still all up in my face begging to be vacuumed. Stupid closet.

Well,

I'm officially graduated from San Francisco State. Feels weird, not that good. I'm overly anxious about what I'm going to do next. I still work at the coffee shop, but I can't stay there for longer than a couple more months. My sanity is suffering as it is.

I'm in Antioch right now dog sitting for my parents, which is a job slightly more difficult than I originally expected. The dog can't not follow me and lick me every waking moment and bridging into the sleeping ones too. I'm also alone, for the most part, unless I go visit an old friend or stop by Heather's house for a short talk. It's an odd transitional phase for me, although I can't put my finger on why I feel so jarred by it. Finishing school, being super scared about what I'm going to do and where I'm going to go, sitting alone in a house I grew up in, not doing anything really productive but not wasting time either. I'm not bored but I'm not excited about anything. It's the middle all the way.

I don't know what will happen with jobs, I don't know about more school, where I'll live. I don't even know about Drew anymore.

I'm too tired to think about all this right now.

all pictures (besides one of tanya and i in france) from allcreaturesgreatandsmall.tumblr.com

animals are so great.

For now

Donnneeeee with school!
Now, more than ever, I've been confused about what I want to do and where I want to go and who I want to go with. The combination of actually being BORED for the first time in a long time at this moment and nearing the very real end of my college career at San Francisco State has put me in a somewhat stressed and painfully critical/overly analytical mood.
I don't particularly have patience for San Francisco anymore, that is until I think about moving and am reminded of just how much I love this city. I don't love the people or their ridiculous excuses to get drunk and naked every other week, but I do love the culture, the diversity, the ease of getting around, the seemingly vast space, the ocean, the shopping, the walks, the parks, the food, the districts that are as varied as the people who make them up, the nightlife (even if I don't take part, it's always waiting for me), the memories I'm attached to.
This place has made me who I am and I can't not love everything that has added up to this moment in time where, right now, besides the bouts of boredom and confusion about my life's direction, I am content.

I've realized a lot of things about myself that every decision, action carried out, and person has made me come face to face with. Not all of them are good things, but the bad ones aren't so terrible.
I've found out that I fight tooth and nail to not be treated like a princess, but will get inexcusably crabby and bratty if I'm actually not treated as such.
I'm not as smart as I used to think I was. I understand now that there are millions of people who can figure things out way faster, write paragraphs more fluidly, problem solve more quickly, and talk their way out of or into anything leaps and bounds better than I could ever trick myself into thinking I could.
I'm terrible with money if it's in cash form, but my card will stay under lock and key for months.
I have no sense of design or artistry past what I think is "pretty".
Cooking is a lot more difficult than I originally thought. I always add too much salt or butter to things.
I'm very good at reading people's "vibes" and body language and tones. I am quick to adapt to the situation and can play every side of every story based on playing to people's individual moods.
I'm a lot meaner in my head than people might think. I am excruciatingly impatient and critical of others before I meet them. I judge much too harshly and am slow to give in to second, maybe better impressions.
I am good at keeping something up, but the worst at starting anything.
I've become more outspoken and self deserving. If someone bumps into me on the street I no longer apologize. I will also give a good slap to cars that cut me off when I'm walking.
I'm lousy at housework out of disgusting apathy.
I don't get embarrassed to do things by myself anymore like take walks or eat out or even go shopping and I no longer care who is looking if I do something stupid.
I'm better at sciences than arts. I want to eventually have a hands-on kind of job where I can make decisions and have a say in the company.
I can be selfish and cold when interacting with people simply based on if I am bored with what they are talking about.
I don't believe many people are doing or saying what they really think they should do or say. I think a lot of people, including myself, are taking part in a world based solely on what other people say or did. This isn't a novel idea or anything--I think originality is dead horse at this point.
I end up "pampering" myself way too often in unhealthy ways--like if I had school for 6 hours I tell myself it's okay to now go home, eat a bowl of macaroni and cheese and watch movies all night. Homework can wait till tomorrow when you'll only have an hour between classes to finish it. You've worked so hard! Take a breaakkkk.
I'm terrible at expressing my true feelings. Half the time, to be fair though, I don't even know what those feelings are.


This picture is adorable and I hope he didn't attack her shortly after the photo was shot. It would take away from the cuteness, I think.


This is how I want my wedding cake arrangement to be. Different textures, colors, styles of cake ranging from elegant to home style.
Image courtesy of wetbehindtheears.com

On a side note, I cannot even comprehend how much money Justin Timberlake has amassed, and will continue to earn, in his lifetime. Mind boggling, some people's wealth.

I think that's more than enough.

Things

- Went to Tahoe thanks to Grandpa and had a fantastically relaxing time
- Have three papers and one final to go then goodbye and good riddance Spring 2010 semester
- Three classes in the Summer then goodbye and good riddance San Francisco State University
- Have no idea what I will do or where I will go next
- Bought a brand new London Fog trench coat at Salvation Army! Twas a steal
- Currently eating way too many bowls of cereal for meals out of sheer laziness and apathy
- Human genetics interested me a lot more than I thought it would
- Need a haircut
- Had my debit card number stolen on-line, but have it back and in proper shape now thanks to Chase bank, the scary conglomerate that eats billion$ for breakfast
- Got a free panty coupon in the mail from Victoria's Secret--score!
- Still love Drew
- Bought an antler from a gun store in Nevada complete with fur still dangling on it--very good conversation piece
- Hate my job, but who wouldn't after three years of constant subservience
- Obviously procrastinating on all three of those papers
- Scary neighbor moved apartments--HALLELUJAH NO MORE SCREAMING AT THREE IN THE MORNING YOU CRAZY, CRAZY MAN
- I need a new phone
- I guess that's it.

Except:

Same same same. Kind of.

Today I went to the Academy of Sciences with Mama, Andrew, Heather, and my boyfriend, Drew. Despite my ongoing fear and resentment of crowds I had a good time wandering and watching the exhibits and animals, even though Drew and I got separated from Heather and Mama pretty early on (which I still feel awful about). They had started venturing into the rain forest area, a terrifying and seemingly dreadful sauna room to me, with all those nasty butterflies in there. I lagged, they went onwards, the gap widened. Butterflies are really the only bugs that continue to scare me. Cockroaches scuttle around, I kill them. Spiders creep overhead, I ignore them. Worms writhe in the dirt, I envy them. But those winged devils fly at me and I lose all grasp and range of functioning motor skills except those controlling my legs and run away. Anyway. I went in eventually and made it through without making a scene. Hold the applause, please.

The most interesting things to me were of course the tid-bits on evolution and osteologically-inclined subjects, such as the comparison between a human incisor and a narwhal's incisor, the extent of variation between one species, whether it be spots on a lady bug or morphology of skulls between the canine species, and the little wall devoted to lemurs. They are amazing.



So we had a good time. After, Mama was nice enough to drop me off in front of the school so I could make my 3:30 class, which was awful. Most of my classes seem like such fluff now that I know what I like and what I want to pursue.
Next semester should be very fun though. They are offering Paleopathology, something they haven't offered in years! It's the study of ancient diseases using the most recent fossil and skeletal records as a basis for understanding. It should be awesome. Also, there is a graduate student-only seminar on Physical Anthropology, which really just spans the entirety of all the concepts of the discipline within a semester while students write a thesis and submit it for possible publishing. Being a Physical Anthropology student, I was given an opportunity from a professor to sit in this class for credit and thus begin my masters thesis earlier with less pressure but the same amount of guidance. This is super exciting and I'm really hoping I can hack it because it would a) give me a good look into the world of master's educations' workloads and b) give me a great head start into that world, should I choose to do so.

So anyway, hopefully it will all work out.
I've been trying to go running every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday before school at 11am, just down to Ghirardelli square and back to my house, but it's TOUGH! Hmm, sleeping in warm and cozy or waking up early, jiggling quickly down the sidewalk, inviting criticism, and losing sleep for something I probably won't stick with for very long anyway?
Uggghhh I guess I'll stick with it for now.

Drew and I are good--we've been dating for about 8 months now (not that length of relationships really matters, it's the substance which is good in this case). I don't know where we're heading, mostly because we both don't know where we are going as individuals to begin with. I have graduating and possibly starting grad school to think about, finding a "real" job and beginning to support myself, he has his sanity to consider. He already graduated a while ago and has a pretty good job, but it's not what he likes to do at all. So he either has to go back for more school or get a foot in some door somewhere so he can wedge himself in for a good long time.
I don't know. No one ever knows. I want cookies.

Unless you want to read about SFSU occupation, skip.

I was told to post something. I guess since all I do is school, I'll write about that.
I'm not so interested in my current classes for one reason (or a thousand) or another. My classes are: Foundations and History of Archaeology, Human Fossils Practicum, Human Variation, and History and Modern Problems of The Middle East and North Africa. They are all Anthropology classes, so I at least have some interest in that I know what I learn will benefit my major and possibly my career one day, but it just seems that most of the curriculum is overwhelming for no good reason. Whatever. I always complain in this thing. Must be why I don't write in it.

So anyway, okay, school is fine. I will be graduating this December which is exciting but also is perpetually a reason for me to be physically ill upon thinking about my future. I'm just a kid! I can't get a real job! Yikes!
My house is a mess. I should clean it. Or maybe I should go get cookies and watch a Netflix movie.
I like that idea a lot better.
Sometimes I really wonder about my generation. Today was March Forth--the big protest and activism-heavy rally held at Civic Center (um, 4 blocks from my house)--a (theoretically) great time to voice your opinions and gather participation and force to fight the extremely harsh budget cuts to the California education system. All well and good. I get it. It IS an awful reality to face, our generation getting a short, sharp end of a stick that was once in bloom and thriving. It IS practically blasphemous to slash $600 million from public education when those getting that proposed "education" (and I use quotations with no light hand--I do believe my education is desperately lacking in comparison to other universities) are going to have to fill the jobs that run this country one day.
But on the other hand...them's the times. No one I observed today seemed to understand that in even the most minute of levels. People my age partying the night prior to the big protest today, getting drunk and throwing M80's into the dorm rooms of kids not participating in the mindless self indulgence. Kids went about their business on campus, still talking about how much they hate reading and love shoe shopping. The community of students the actual protesters are trying to reach are mindless. And 90% of the protesters are spoiled little kids that like getting the rush of "making a difference" when they barely make a dent. They use brute force and radical gestures like and then point fingers at the police for "militarilization" and police brutality.

During the December 9th occupation of the business building (a week before finals), students picketed around the building they claimed the most corrupt of all the colleges of SFSU. They claimed Business as a major was uneccessary and colleges like Ethnic Studies needed to be bolstered and given sizable shares of funding, more than Math and Science colleges combined. No one was allowed inside the building unless they wanted a peer to peer fist fight. The occupationists dressed like Zapatistas and barricaded and booby trapped a university building while participating in guerilla tactics against the SWAT teams that came in, and expected the police to not take action against the symbolism and half-hearted actions inspired by their dress. You dress like a an insurgent, you get treated like one. Didn't you learn that in middle school?

Kids on the bus going to the rally at Civic Center this afternoon were full of college-pride and recreational drugs. Everyone on that bus was discussing how "pumped" they were to go see the "action" and then party at a bar somewhere else. Groups were doing acid and ecstasy and shoving individual cans of beer into their backpacks to avoid suspicion on the pat downs. It was absolutely ridiculous. I can't even take my own generation seriously, how can the current ones in charge?


This was the December 9th occupation. Mind you, a week before finals. I was in the first classroom to the left of the video. Know what's going on? Yeah neither did we. No effective word got out except that some kids were causing trouble. They weren't that far off. The occupiers caught demanded to not be arrested. If you fight for your rights, you should have the courage of your actions. The 1968 activists didn't demand immunity--they acted and changed our nation.


In better news.